Slippery Slope of Sin

I have been without pornography and masturbation for well over a month now, but I've reached the point where it really becomes a bit of a struggle again. The first week or so is a struggle, because you've got to break the habit and work to keep your mind clean. Then for a few weeks it gets easier...your reasons for quitting and motivation are still fresh in your mind and you've realized you can live without the lust. But some reason, after those few weeks, I begin to feel the pressure again. I think there's a bit of a subconscious battle that goes on. I get on a bit of a high because I realize how well I'm doing. Perhaps its a bit of pride, even though I don't go around boasting it, that begins to weaken me. Perhaps I begin to let my guard down because on some level I've decided I'm too strong to let temptation over take me again. Maybe its because I don't spend as much time reflecting on my weakness and the pain its caused. It could be that I've begun to rely too much on myself, and less on God. It could even be the opposite, that I've gotten to a point where I expect God to do it all, keep temptation out of my life, and I can stop being proactive in my battle.

But I think the two biggest factors are that 1) I've seen (in retrospect) that it has been easy to reach this milestone, that I can "reward" myself just once and not skip a beat in my road to purity, and 2) That I can allow myself to have lustful thoughts or masturbate because it's at least better than looking at pornography. The first thing is a pretty stupid thought really...to think that I can give in to the temptation just once then just continue on my road to purity. There's no porn rest stop on the road to purity. Purity and pornography are on two opposite ends of the road. The only way to look at pornography is go all the way back to the beginning and erase all the progress I've made. The second thought I think to many might seem reasonable (I know there's much debate over whether masturbation is even a sin)...but at least for me...I can't allow it to be an option.

The problem is that sin, any sin, is a slippery slope. Our sin is at the bottom, purity is at the top. It's a tough climb to the top on a slippery slope. Maybe there's some easy spots to trudge through...but overall its easy to fall. And as we get higher up on the hill, it's easy to look back and say...wouldn't it be fun to slide back down to the bottom. It's like sled riding when you were a kid. Maybe you live at the top of the hill. You've been sled riding all day. You're cold, shivering, and part of you doesn't really want to go inside. But you know inside there's a warm fire and hot chocolate waiting (not to mention your favorite video game). You've made your last ride to the bottom of the hill...now you've got to climb back to the top of the hill, most of your energy gone. The first little way of the climb isn't too bad, you've got energy...and there's not a whole lot too look back down at. The ride from 20 feet up the hill isn't very fun...you're not missing out on much if you just keep climbing. But once you're halfway up, you look back, and its incredibly tempting to make another trip back to the bottom. That ride downhill is a lot of fun...but what's more dangerous is its a lot faster and easier than the climb back up the hill. You're about out of energy...out of chances...you make that ride to the bottom and you know you've got to start that climb all over again. You're Mom isn't going to drive down to the bottom of the hill and drive you up to the top. You make that trip back down and you're either down for good or you've got an even more difficult trip back to the top. It makes so much more sense to just keep climbing up...and you know you'll be rewarded at the top.

I guess putting it that way helps me a bit. If I'm halfway up the hill, how stupid am I to make the ride back to the bottom. I can't slide down just once then pick up the climb where I left off. I give up so much if I allow myself to fall. I fall that much farther from God and hurt my marriage even more. The climb back up will be even more of a struggle. No, I've got to continue the climb...and know that there will be times where I can take God's chairlift to the top...and other times where it won't be as easy. But the important thing is not to slip...because its a quick trip to the bottom, but a long hard climb back up. God Bless!

Proactive Prayer

I find in my struggle that I often get frustrated with God. The problem usually starts when I feel very overcome by temptation...near a breaking point of giving in...and I cry out to him. I ask for him to take away the temptation and the strength to overcome it. But I find that I get very little relief. I recall many times I have gotten outright angry with God! Here I am...instead of just giving in to temptation like I've done so many times...I'm actually turning to God first and showing him that I want to choose him over sin...I just need the help overcoming temptation. Why then is God so slow to respond?

I've thought about this recently...and realized that the problem didn't start when I began feeling tempted. The problem started well before that, when I did not take the opportunity to pray and build a relationship with God in a time when I wasn't in need of something from him. Let's say you had a best friend when you began high school. You were inseparable...and always there for one another. Through high school, you both got involved with different things...and while you remained friends, perhaps you didn't talk every day and didn't get together as much as you used to. You graduated, and you tried to stay in touch...but as the years went by you communicated less and less. Eventually it got to the point where you maybe sent out a yearly Christmas card, but otherwise hadn't really had a heart-to-heart in years. Now you suddenly find yourself in financial trouble. You know your old friend was a wonderful trusting person, and would probably be more than happy to lend money to a close friend. So can you just call your old friend up and ask for a loan? Well of course not. You haven't really spoke in years...it would just be bad manners. Sure there was never any big falling out...but you simply aren't as close as you used to be. You may not even have their latest contact information. Before you could ask of such a big favor, you'd have to track them down, reestablish contact, and probably spend a year or more rebuilding your old friendship...then maybe you can be back to a point where you can ask a favor.

It's not much different with God. The difference is that God is always willing to take us back even if we had a big falling out. But if we're not terribly close to God, it's harder to expect God to perform a miracle. That's not to say he doesn't hear our prayer or begin helping us when we ask...but the lines of communication are fuzzy...we may not have our hearts open enough to hear his response. It's not that he isn't responding in our time of temptation...it's that we may not want to hear his response. We want a quick and simple solution to our problem...but there's really none. When we call out to God in times of temptation, we must have open hearts and be ready to pull our weight...not just expect the problem to disappear.

The solution here is to make sure we establish a regular prayer life with God. I still struggle with this myself. I try to remind myself each morning to say a prayer of Thanksgiving. I have so much in my life to be thankful for...so much that I risk losing should I continue to turn towards a life filled with pornography and masturbation. I have a beautiful wife and wonderful son. I have a great job and a great family. Me and my family are in good health. Some days of course I forget...other days I'm so groggy and grumpy when I get up that all I do is think about how I just want to go back to bed. But I must work past this. God has been so great to me despite how much I've sinned...and I owe him more than I can ever repay. The least I can do is to offer up prayers more regularly and try to develop my relationship with him. This can and should go beyond prayer. Being more active in our church is great way to grow closer to God (I regret to say this is something I've had on my to do list for awhile, and I really shouldn't put it off any longer). Reading the Bible and other religious material is another great thing. Something as little as taking a minute out of whatever we're doing a few times a day to thank God for his blessings and express our love...and remember all the great things in our life he has provided can go a long way. And yes, the next time we call out...we may hear and feel God's response...his love and strength...just a little faster. But better yet...our times of temptation will be fewer and farther between...and less intense! This is something I've experienced first hand in the past...and am working towards once more.

Please don't be afraid to comment! As always...God bless...my prayers are with all of you who struggle with pornography and masturbation like myself!

Burning Bridges

Perhaps the most basic principle to overcoming any addiction is cutting off access to the source. This is one of the first things taught in the Setting Captives Free Pure Freedom Course (see the link on the right). For pornography, this means getting rid of whatever it is that allows you to view pornography. Now of course, with society the way it is today...it's virtually impossible to avoid sexually suggestive dress/advertising/music...but there are certainly things that we do have control over. If you have any magazines or movies...don't just throw them out...destroy them! If you struggle with pornography online, install an internet filter, and let your spouse or a friend set the password. If you have access to any television channels that frequently have nudity or sexually oriented programming, block them!

If you allow yourself to have easy access to this type of material, you're going to fall. But you can't view pornography if you don't have access to it. Not only that, just knowing how much more difficult it is to find this material when you've cut off access to it is a bit of a discouraging factor too. I'm going to be much more likely to seek out pornography if I know all I have to do is hop on the internet than if I have to go out somewhere hunting for it...and likely paying money for it. So getting rid of it is key.

I remember when I was engaged to my wife and I first told her about my struggles with pornography. I had certainly tried to kick the habit many times before...but this time it was different. I wanted to be the best husband I could for her, because she's such a beautiful person that she deserves it. I started the Pure Freedom course and one of the first days talked about the importance of getting rid of access to pornography. I had some magazines that I was still holding on to. Why? How did I expect to stop looking at pornography while holding on to these magazines? Just the thought of giving them up was painful...knowing I was giving it up forever...it was like a drug and fearing the imminent withdrawal. But finally I decided if I held on to the magazines...they would control me. They would have this power over me. I decided that if I was really serious about giving up pornography, I had to get rid of them...anything else would not be pleasing to God or my future wife. So I just decided I wasn't going to think about it anymore...I was just going to do it. I got out the magazines and started ripping them up. I didn't even look at them...I just ripped and ripped and ripped. I had such a sense of empowerment...I was taking things into my own hands refusing to let these things control me and my thoughts! I stuffed the torn up pieces into a garbage bag and took them out to the dumpster.

The sad part of the story is that down the road I would fall again. But how? By discovering ways around the internet filter I had installed. Instead of immediately recognizing that I again had access and I needed to get rid of it...I convinced myself I was strong enough to resist...and I fell. I fell hard. And the moral there is that we much continually be on guard. Opportunities will come along, and we must be strong enough to do what we have in our power to cut off our access before it can become a problem again.

As I mentioned above, there are certainly things that our out of control. Just an innocent trip to the grocery store and we can be bombarded with sexual imagery...and I intend to address such things in later blog entries. But the goal is recognize the things we do have control over, and being proactive in taking steps to prevent our access. Get rid of the magazines! Download internet filters! Block channels on the television! Don't go to movies we know will have sexual situations! Don't keep more than a few dollars cash on us so we won't be tempted to buy inappropriate magazines in the store! If you go through the Pure Freedom course at Setting Captives Free, you'll hear stories of people who took this principle to great lengths...quitting jobs and ending relationships...all because they knew these things were somehow roadblocks in their path to purity.

Please feel free to leave comments or e-mail me (mathias1979@yahoo.NOSPAM.com). I would love to hear from those of you reading so I know someone is taking something away from this blog! Please don't hesitate to share you thoughts, opinions, or just say 'hi'!

God Bless!

Breaking the Silence

I think one of the keys to breaking an addiction to pornography (or at least the habit of viewing it) is to talk about it. It's great to want to make the effort to get it out of your life, but if no one knows about your struggle then its very easy to continue to allow yourself to turn back to pornography in your private little world. Yet if you've opened the line of discussion with someone, then there's more motivation and encouragement to avoid it. As the Pure Freedom course at Setting Captives Free puts it (I recommend anyone who struggles with pornography to consider taking this course, you can find the link on the right), it sheds light on the problem and the sin cannot live in the light...but it thrives in the darkness. If you open a lines of communication with others, your own little private world of porn is no longer private...it is exposed...and it becomes easier to resist falling back into it (although its certainly still possible)!

This can be frustrating though. After all, negative aspects of pornography and sexual sin receives so little attention in today's society. You can almost forget about finding talk about the harmful effects of an obsession over such things anywhere in the media or in pop culture. If anything, such things are perceived as normal and even encouraged. And even in religion, not enough attention is paid to the growing problem of pornography. Perhaps an occasional word about purity, abstinence, or faithfulness is preached, but the seedy details of where an addiction to pornography and sex can lead you are simply overlooked. I suppose it's understandable that such a topic gets overlooked...it certainly isn't family friendly...and it addresses our sexuality, perhaps the most private part of our lives. It's an embarassing subject for most, but does it need to be?

With the rise of the internet, pornography has become more accessible than ever. It's become something that can be viewed completely anonomously. No money or credit card needed, no age restrictions...absolutely anyone can get online anytime they want and find pornography in just about any variety you can imagine. And there's absolutely nothing to prevent or discourage young hormonly driven teens to seek this stuff out. I was 12 or 13 when my family first had access to an online service...it was Prodigy...it was all grainy graphics and text...and it did not take me long to find where I could find discussions and stories on sex. I justified my actions as normal curiosity, nothing to be concerned about, and absolutely normal part of going through puberty. But for me, it was only the beginning of an addiction I would battle for years. And when I was going through this, just as today, there was little discussion about the downside of pornography. Sex education tought me it was okay to think about sex...it was normal to masturbate...it was normal to be curious. Would things had been different had we been taught that while some curiosity is normal, but too much can also lead to an addiction that could be difficult to overcome when we were older? Hard to say...but it certainly couldn't have hurt.

The point is that while pornography addiction may not be as harmful to our physical health as an addiction to drugs or alcohol...it can still be dangerous. Jobs are lost, families torn apart, and even lives lost as the addiction can become so powerful that victims feel suicide is the only way to break it. The stories are out there...perhaps such things don't happen as frequently as they do with drugs or alcohol, but they happen. And with pornography becoming easier and easier to access, and children becoming exposed at younger and younger ages thanks to the internet...we can only assume that addictions will become more common, and the impacts will be see more often.

So can we really afford to overlook the topic? Can we really avoid to say nothing simply because it's embarassing or uncomfortable to talk about? We must break the silence! Pornography can be dangerous! Of course it would be an exaggeration to say everyone who looks at pornography will become addicted. That's not the case. But it's just like alchol. While there may be some people that can drink socially on an occasional basis and not be addicted, able to stop at any time...there is a small minority that cannot drink without it overtaking their lives. With pornography, perhaps most can look at it casually without ever feeling the need to look every day...but others become obsessed, and feel the need to look at it any opporunity they have.

So if you struggle with pornography, its time to speak up! It's time to come clean with someone. A priest, a friend, even your spouse. It's time to open the topic up for discussion. That's my intent with this blog, to talk about it, to acknowledge its a problem for myself and many, and to speak out against it and offer encouragement. But there are so many other ways to speak out. From simply discussing it with friend, to starting a support group, to giving a talk in church or a retreat. Perhaps one day I will be called to speak out in a more public way, and I will have to muster up the courage to do so. This problem will only breed if we stay silent! The only way to address it...to stop it...to hope to overcome it...is to talk about it! So I encourage everyone here to look for a way you can share your struggle and speak out against the problem!

Please feel free to share your thoughts with me! I don't know who, if anyone, is reading this. I will be much more motivated to continue this blog if I know someone is reading...to know someone has taken something from this. So please feel free to leave a comment with your thoughts...or you can e-mail me if you wish your comment/thoughts to remain private (mathias@yahoo.NOSPAM.com, of course, remove the NOSPAM).

God Bless!

Welcome!

Hello, my name is Matt. I have begun this blog to share my struggle with against pornography. I hope that sharing my struggles and thoughts will give me strength to live a porn free life as well as encourage those of you who also struggle to live a pure life. Certainly no one is alone in this struggle! I think this is a chance for me to take the time and energy I used to use toward porn and turn it into something more productive that will make me a better person, a better husband, a better father, and hopefully help others achieve the same.

My purpose here is not to judge others or debate the morality of the issue. I have heard enough testimonials from those who feel pornography has ruined their marriage or left them jobless. I also see how my viewing pornography has impacted my life, hurt my relationship with my wife, and affected my relationship with God. This has been enough to convince me of the danger of pornography and that it should be avoided.

Just to give you an idea of where I am coming from...I first started experimenting with self gratification when I was about 10 years old. Not long after that, I was exposed to pornography. At the age of puberty, I wasn't worried about it, as I was told it was normal and figured when my hormones calmed down a few years so would my interest. But of course, that wasn't the case. And as the years passed, I became more and more addicted to pornography...always making excuses as to why my interest would eventually wane. Eventually, I was lucky enough to meet a beautiful woman willing to be my wife, despite my struggles. We got married, and I was horrified that my need for pornography did not fade. I regret to say that more than once she has discovered my continuing struggles, despite my promises to overcome my struggles. Now that we have a son and I see what a huge strain my addiction puts on our marriage, it is not more apparent to ever that for the sake of my marriage and our son, I must be done with it forever. God has blessed me with an amazing family, and it is not worth throwing it all away for a few cheap empty thrills.

Therefore, I hope to post every few days sharing thoughts I have had during my struggles as well as anything else (i.e. news or other issues) that is relevant. I also hope that those of you reading will share your own thoughts and struggles with me. I also ask that you share this blog with others you feel may be interested.

Thank you for reading, and God Bless!