Slippery Slope of Sin

I have been without pornography and masturbation for well over a month now, but I've reached the point where it really becomes a bit of a struggle again. The first week or so is a struggle, because you've got to break the habit and work to keep your mind clean. Then for a few weeks it gets easier...your reasons for quitting and motivation are still fresh in your mind and you've realized you can live without the lust. But some reason, after those few weeks, I begin to feel the pressure again. I think there's a bit of a subconscious battle that goes on. I get on a bit of a high because I realize how well I'm doing. Perhaps its a bit of pride, even though I don't go around boasting it, that begins to weaken me. Perhaps I begin to let my guard down because on some level I've decided I'm too strong to let temptation over take me again. Maybe its because I don't spend as much time reflecting on my weakness and the pain its caused. It could be that I've begun to rely too much on myself, and less on God. It could even be the opposite, that I've gotten to a point where I expect God to do it all, keep temptation out of my life, and I can stop being proactive in my battle.

But I think the two biggest factors are that 1) I've seen (in retrospect) that it has been easy to reach this milestone, that I can "reward" myself just once and not skip a beat in my road to purity, and 2) That I can allow myself to have lustful thoughts or masturbate because it's at least better than looking at pornography. The first thing is a pretty stupid thought really...to think that I can give in to the temptation just once then just continue on my road to purity. There's no porn rest stop on the road to purity. Purity and pornography are on two opposite ends of the road. The only way to look at pornography is go all the way back to the beginning and erase all the progress I've made. The second thought I think to many might seem reasonable (I know there's much debate over whether masturbation is even a sin)...but at least for me...I can't allow it to be an option.

The problem is that sin, any sin, is a slippery slope. Our sin is at the bottom, purity is at the top. It's a tough climb to the top on a slippery slope. Maybe there's some easy spots to trudge through...but overall its easy to fall. And as we get higher up on the hill, it's easy to look back and say...wouldn't it be fun to slide back down to the bottom. It's like sled riding when you were a kid. Maybe you live at the top of the hill. You've been sled riding all day. You're cold, shivering, and part of you doesn't really want to go inside. But you know inside there's a warm fire and hot chocolate waiting (not to mention your favorite video game). You've made your last ride to the bottom of the hill...now you've got to climb back to the top of the hill, most of your energy gone. The first little way of the climb isn't too bad, you've got energy...and there's not a whole lot too look back down at. The ride from 20 feet up the hill isn't very fun...you're not missing out on much if you just keep climbing. But once you're halfway up, you look back, and its incredibly tempting to make another trip back to the bottom. That ride downhill is a lot of fun...but what's more dangerous is its a lot faster and easier than the climb back up the hill. You're about out of energy...out of chances...you make that ride to the bottom and you know you've got to start that climb all over again. You're Mom isn't going to drive down to the bottom of the hill and drive you up to the top. You make that trip back down and you're either down for good or you've got an even more difficult trip back to the top. It makes so much more sense to just keep climbing up...and you know you'll be rewarded at the top.

I guess putting it that way helps me a bit. If I'm halfway up the hill, how stupid am I to make the ride back to the bottom. I can't slide down just once then pick up the climb where I left off. I give up so much if I allow myself to fall. I fall that much farther from God and hurt my marriage even more. The climb back up will be even more of a struggle. No, I've got to continue the climb...and know that there will be times where I can take God's chairlift to the top...and other times where it won't be as easy. But the important thing is not to slip...because its a quick trip to the bottom, but a long hard climb back up. God Bless!