Friday, June 15, 2007

A few miscellaneous thoughts

I'm am slowly adding to my list of links on the right. Through a few of your comments I've been able to find blogs of others who also struggle with pornography, and its great to be able to share thoughts with each other and draw strength from each other. I only wish I had more time to read through everyone's individual posts! If you have any great links...blogs or resources...feel free to share.

For me personally, the struggle has really from pornography, to just my own thoughts or wandering eyes. I hoping to find the strength to get a better control on these as well, as I know it is the only way to continue to grow towards lasting freedom.

You may have noticed the time between my posts is growing. It's tough to find the time to post. The good news is that as I continue to distance myself from my addiction, the more motivated I am to focus on helping out with housework or more productive things...and the less drawn I am to my computer. I hope to continue to post at least once or twice a month, so please continue to stop by!

Monday, June 11, 2007

Masturbation

Masturbation is a huge debate among many Christians. Some claim the Bible doesn't specifically address it. Others feel its inherently wrong because it involves lust. There are those who feel it can be done without lust...of course if you're not lusting...then why is there even a need to do it? But I don't even want to get into that debate here. Let's for the sake of arguement just say that pornography is a sin, but masturbation is okay. That's not my personal opinion, but I think there is good reason to avoid masturbation even under the presumption that it is not immoral.

What's the real addiction here? I personally am not gratified "fully" by simply looking at pornography. Pornography only serves to build sexual frustration. If I look at pornography long enough, I can no longer control myself. So much sexual energy builds up that it becomes unbearable, and there needs to be some sort of release...and that's where masturbation comes in. But if you take masturbation out of the equation, lets say I am physically unable to do it, then what happens? I really have no reason to look at pornography. For me, the entire point of looking at pornography is to build myself up to a sexual release. That release is the real addiction for me. If I can't have that release, what is the point of looking at pornography? It's only going to serve to get me excited, but if there is no release, I'm just going to drive myself crazy.

So what happens if I try to give up pornography, but allow myself to masturbate? Initially I could see it working okay. Let's say I only allow myself to masturbate when I have an uncontrollable temptation and when I masturbate, I clear my mind so that there are not lustful thoughts...it's completely "functional" in that I'm only doing it to release tension but not to indulge in fantasy. But by allowing myself that out, I have done nothing to try to control my urges. The sexual release as I mentioned before is the whole addiction. If I tell myself its okay, then what's to stop me from doing it daily? Maybe I start by only doing it once every week or two...but it's addictive and a bit of a stress release...and there's nothing to stop me from doing it more frequently. If I'm already doing it once a week, why not twice a week, why not every day? And by allowing myself to essentially cave when things get too tough, I'm not teaching myself any self-control...eventually the threshold of temptation that I can endure before I turn to masturbation becomes pretty low.

So now maybe I'm doing it everyday...its become a daily habit...it gets to the point where I might not even be that tempted...but I'm tired, bored, and/or stressed...so why not take the edge off with masturbation. But now there's a problem. Up until now I've been doing it without lust because I'm already sexually frustrated. But now there's a problem, I just want to do it but I'm not feeling sexually frustrated. So now, what's to stop me from turning to my old ways of building up the sexual frustration? I'm already masturbating...why not indulge in a fantasy or view pornography? Afterall, its just "functional", serving just to get me worked up enough to enjoy masturbation.

I guess that's how pornography and masturbation have always worked for me. Rarely have I just had the urge to view pornography with no intent on masturbating. But even on those few rare occasions, it turned to masturbation. No, pornography has always been about making that sexual release better. I didn't turn towards pornography because I didn't find my wife sexy or because she didnt' satisfy....it was more because I was seeking a sexual release because I was bored or stressed and the only way to fully experience that was to include lust and pornography. Yes, it did feel like I was just addicted to pornography, but had there neve been any expectation of sexual release, I simply don't think the addiction would have developed.

I guess that brings this discussion full circle. If you take away the masturbation, is there really a purpose for pornography? For me personally, no. Furthermore, by allowing myself the convenience of masturbation because I found a way to justify it...I do not teach myself self-control and eventually it leads me down the path to lust and pornography again. Even if you could prove that masturbation is not immoral...is it some sort of necessity? Do we need it? No! And if the sexual frustration builds up in us so much that we feel we do need it, then we should probably take a step back and figure out why that sexual energy built up so strongly within us in the first place and figure out how to prevent it from happening in the future. I find that for me, it is usually because I allowed the sexual frustration to build up to that point...when there was usually something I could have done to stop it.

Bottom line, to give up pornography, I see no reason to keep masturbation in the picture. It only serves to remind us of our previous experiences and to allow us to maintain a habit of sexual release that may ultimately need to be fed by pornography to continue.

Euphoria

There are many people who don't acknowledge that there is such a thing as a pornography addiction. I've been thinking some about how to counter this arguement lately...and while I'm not ready to address it in full, I do feel its a good time to explain to those who have been hurt by pornography (i.e. spouses of users) exactly what goes through the mind of a porn addict. While this may not apply to all addicts, from what I have seen it is similiar for the majority.

For my wife and many wives, I think they are hurt because they somehow feel responsible. They either feel they are incapable of satisfying their man fully or that their men are not physically attracted to them and therefore turn to pornography. Now I can't speak for those who did not get involved with pornography until after marriage...but speaking as someone who was involved with pornography long before marriage (i.e. over a decade), this certainly is not the case!

When men become sexually aroused, chemicals are released in the brain and we begin to feel a sense of euphoria. The goal becomes to prolong that period of euphoria and eventually reach the pinnacle of that euphoric high. In this state we enter what I like to call 'suspended reality.' Our stress and worries fade away. Nothing is as important as reaching that sexual high, and if we're determined, little can stop us from reaching it...reaching it at all costs. We really become drunk on the feeling. Common sense and inhibitions disappear. Rational thought even goes out the window. NO matter how many times I have tried to think of my wife and how much I'm hurting her when I look at pornography, it simply isn't enough to stop me. Not because I don't love her, but because when I'm in that state, I begin to justify my actions with any possible explaination. Everything from "she'll never find out" to "I will quit after this and she'll never have to know" to the old standard "every man does it, I'm no worse than everyone else." Of course, to the outside observer and even myself in retrospect, these are not valid excuses. My wife will find out...even if she doesn't know it hurts our relationship...and not everyone does it and it doesn't matter how many people do, it doesn't make it right. But in that euphoric state, these excuses make all the sense in the world.

So the way out seems pretty simple, quit allowing myself to enter these periods of sexual arousal. But to someone who has been involved in pornography, this is not so easy. Images and experiences are burned into memory. And of course, sexual imagery is everywhere...advertising, television, even the newspaper. And the more we've engaged in pornography and masturbation, the easier it is to be aroused by this stuff. In my darkest times, that sexually aroused period eventually blurred to the point where sex was always on my mind. But what about those times where I abstained. Before marriage I pledged to quit and went months without looking at pornography or masturbating. I cleansed myself. What turned me back to it after marriage? Was my wife not attractive to me or not satisfying me? Absolutely not! It's the memory of the experiences from before I even met my wife. I remember the euphoria involved in pornography and masturbation. What's more, it's incredibly simple to get that sense of euphoria. All it takes is a stressful day or a bit of boredom...and if I'm not prepared for the temptation and have a moment of weakness, I begin engaging in the activity. Once I've entertained the thought, its too late...the launch sequence has been activated. It's not that I'm not sexually satisfied by my wife...its that I know how easy it is to get that sense of euphoria...which allows me to escape all my troubles.

Now, I explain all this not to try to pass pornography off as permissible because its simply a physical act that does not result from sexual frustration or dissatisfaction. Yes I hope that women might understand a bit more and be able to sympathize a bit more with the struggle of pornography...but they certainly shouldn't freely allow it. But instead, I present all this more because this is the danger of pornography. Because it is devoid of emotion and simply driven by the desire for a easily attainable euphoric high if we engage in it too much the thought and emotion disappears from our life all together. Suddenly nothing ever matters but reaching that euphoric high whenever we have a chance. Eventually it interfers with my sex life with my wife. I'm not as interested in sex with her. Again, nothing to do with her...its general laziness. Sex requires effort and work...and when I'm frequenly getting that euphoria with a lot less work on the side, it almost seems pointless. I've separated the emotion from the physical euphoria. Of course, men are able to separate the emotional and physical realms of sex much easier than women. And left unchecked and eventually we might turn to bigger and badder ways of getting this high. I pray to God that I never got physically involved with another woman, but it does scare me how in my darkest times how easily it could've happened with little thought of my own.

So the goal is of course to avoid sexual arousal outside of marriage at all costs. I won't expand on that since that is what most of this blog is devoted to...but I will say it requires a strong will/motivating factor, lots of prayer, honestly with your spouse or another, and continued vigilance. The good news is the farther we are removed from the bad times, the easier and more satisfying it is to put these things into practive. And of course, it's important to remember that while I may be satisfying myself physically with pornography and masturbation, emotionally my wife and I are both suffering, which is only creating tension within our marriage.

I want to thank all who read this or continue to read it. Please know I am always open for discussion and feedback!